Humans are the only animals who fret.

Is there another animal who worries like we do?

Another animal who plans projects only to give themselves a huge helping of self-doubt?

Well, squirrels seem to go through bouts of indecision and doubt, though, don’t they?

And we’ve all seen the price they can pay for that.

Maybe it’s the winter blues casting a spell, but I’m fretting and self-doubting.

Here’s the issue: Once I hit a “magical” age, I came to the realization that I had far more years behind me than in front of me.

I had a niggling, icky feeling of time running out.

I was hit by a wall of shock that this aging thing was serious.

I wasn’t just getting older.

I was older!

I knew there would be a word for that feeling in my Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows (which I talked about a couple of weeks ago).

The word is moriturism, meaning “a tiny jolt of awareness that someday you will die, which leaves you lying awake in bed whispering silently to yourself, Oh, right, this is it; an unsettling reminder that your life is not just a game you’re playing, but your one and only glimpse of what the universe has to offer.”

So with moriturism swirling about my head like a fog, I worry that my dream of being a published author is going to stay just that: a dream.

Becoming a published author requires the alignment of the sun, the moon, and the stars.

It’s a years-long process.

Which would be fine if you’ve got the years.

I don’t think I’m the only one consumed by such worries.

So before becoming paralyzed by all this or before becoming like the little squirrel (should I cross the road, should I keep going, should I retreat?) I found some solace in a book (don’t you love the power of books?!) called Wild Words by Nicole Gulotta.

Nicole’s a youngster (in her 30s maybe when she wrote the book), but new to motherhood and trying to write and worried about not having enough time and all kinds of self-doubts.

She suggested a helpful exercise.

I’m not usually one to do exercises like this, but this one was actually helpful.

If you’re also worried about not fulfilling your dreams, whatever they may be, give this a try.

#1 List your fears.

It’s only by naming and knowing your fears that you can overcome them or at least shush them up a bit.

My fears are:

1) I don’t have enough years left to publish any of my manuscripts.

It’s daunting and time consuming.

Time consuming.

Like little Pac-Men eating up the days, months and years I have left.

2) I’m afraid I’ll only ever be writing in a vacuum.

3) Since I’m not marginalized (I’m not Black, Brown, Asian, or LGBTQ, for example), I won’t even be considered by agents or publishers.

4) I’m afraid I’m not good enough to compete with younger writers.

#2 What’s the evidence that those fears are real?

Here’s where you can see if your fears have any foundation under them.

Some of mine do.

1) I understand that getting published is a time-consuming process.

If one of my stories were to be accepted today by a publisher, it likely wouldn’t be released until 2025 or 2026.

And, yes, eventually we will all run out of time.

2) If I don’t get published, certainly no one will read what I’ve written, and I will be writing in a vacuum.

3) Publishers and agents really are looking for books written by and for under-represented people.

#3 What are the possibilities?

This is where you turn those fears on their head.

What is another way to look at your fears so that they speak a more helpful truth?

Looking at my number 1) fear that I’m running out of time, the reality is that no one knows how long they have to pursue their dreams.

Younger people can only assume they have years and years ahead of them.

I can flip my number 4) fear about the baggage of age and say that, in general, older people have experienced a larger field of emotions and events than younger people.

I can use that experience to make my stories and characters richer.

I just learned that Delia Owens the author of Where the Crawdads Sing was 69 years old when this debut novel was released.

That’s encouraging.

Something else that comes with age is that I have more time to perfect my craft and polish my manuscript than someone younger than me.

Bottom line: Does this logic really make me feel better?

A little.

For now.

And now is all we have.

I’ll take whatever logic or wisdom makes me feel better now and energizes me enough now to push forward on this dream until I get it done…or die trying. Haha.

I won’t be like the squirrel.

Because sometimes it just doesn’t end well for the little guy.

~ Gail

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